I was recently in an interview and one of the questions was so interesting and I thought you’d like to hear it, too.
We were talking about boundaries and how to set them. The woman with the question was having a hard time with being able to say “No” and asked me how to.
Well, clearly we all know how to say the word.
The question really isn’t a matter of how you say it, it’s a matter of what’s going on with you that you don’t feel like you can say it.
Hey there, it’s Stacey Speller! I’m a life strategist who aims to help ambitious and career-oriented women have the life AND love that they deserve! In this blog post, let’s dive deep into the root of why we tend to feel guilty about saying no.
Watch the video here:
Here’s what I learned from saying no
I used to struggle with saying “no” for years, too. I felt like I had to say yes to everything and, to no one’s surprise, I was absolutely exhausted in the process.
People invited me into their drama and chaos and I practically RSVP’d yes.
It wasn’t until later that I realized I had no one else to blame for it. I learned it had nothing to do with the people that were asking me to do things.
I wasn’t being pulled in against my will. These people are calling me up because I made myself available to them.
In fact, it wasn’t even about them at all!
It was about me.
So, I took a pause and assessed my situation. What am I doing?
When I did the work and I got honest with myself, it was my self-worth that was suffering.
If I said yes to enough things, if I did enough, if I showed up enough, if I was there enough for people (especially guys), and if I just totally sacrificed myself— that somehow, I was going wake up one day and be worthy.
Somehow, I convinced myself that those lies were true. So I kept saying yes.
I was literally working my way into worthiness even if it had cost me myself. It would all be worth it in the end because then, I would be worthy. At least, that’s what I believed.
Here’s the truth: That doesn’t work.
You’re going to find yourself exhausted and, to be honest, even resentful. Because I know I was.
I was resentful of everything that was on my plate. I resented the exhaustion from trying to be all of these things to all of these people.
The things I was saying yes to had nothing to do with what I wanted to do or what I wanted to accomplish. I said yes to things that weren’t aligned with my purpose.
It was all about my insecurities, my lack of confidence, and my efforts to work towards worthiness. I didn’t know my worth and the value I brought to the table. I thought that earning love was the only way to experience it.
You were already worthy without having to wear yourself to the bone. You don’t have to prove it to anyone.
Here’s what you should do
If you’re having a hard time saying no, and you feel like people are always pulling on you and draining on you, I encourage you to stop looking at them.
It’s not even about them. It’s what’s going on with you. Take a look at what’s going on inside of you that you feel like you have to say yes.
That you feel obligated to say yes.
However, there comes a point when you’re trying to be all things to all people where you’re not going to be any good to yourself. You’ll be busy pouring out without anything getting poured back in.
What I find in my coaching clients is the root of the matter is a lack of self-worth.
Listen and listen to me well, I promise that when you start to recognize your worth, EVERYTHING changes.
This is why I always talk about worth so much because it impacts every area of your life. When you recognize your worth you get comfortable with saying no. you’ll actually be fine with setting that boundary because you know you have dreams and you have the desires of your heart. You were called to accomplish great things.
That is to say, you’re going to miss what’s important in your life every time you give the wrong yes to something.
So when you learn how to say no to things, it makes you available for what actually matters.
I promise you this: when your worth gets to where it’s found in who you really are and what your faith says about you, you’re not going to have to try and work your way into worthiness as I did.
More importantly, the worthiness is going to already be there. Once you’ve established that worthiness, you’ll be able to have priorities and boundaries that reflect the things that matter most to you.
How do you overcome this?
Above all, what I want for you is to be able to have the level of self-worth that allows you to say no. You are worthy of that no. You have every right to set your own standards and boundaries. So, go ahead. Start with something simple and work your way through the list. Say no to the things that aren’t serving you well. Shut down requests that make you feel uncomfortable. Decline invitations that take away your time and energy.
Say “no” so that you can say “yes”, and “yes, please” to things that matter most in life.
Until then, you’ll always have me to talk to and gain support from. I always love to hear from you so don’t forget to leave me a comment below.