This One Thing Is Killing Your Confidence

stacey speller with a little girl confidence women in leadership life coachHave you ever wondered why you lack confidence despite your best efforts to increase it?


My purpose has afforded me access to thousands of professional women that have shared with me in various forms how much they craved more confidence. They recognize that confident women are able to pursue their goals unapologetically and live a less stressful; more productive life. What’s interesting is their resume and credentials were not the main factors in their confidence factor. I’ve met women with a resume to envy — who have zero confidence. Yet, I’ve also met a few women who ooze confidence, and yet there? why? isn’t visible to the naked eye.

I have and can tell you without a doubt that one of the greatest contributing factors to a lack of confidence is this …comparing yourself to others.


Recently my dear friend’s precocious 3-year-old daughter Kenzie was found trying on my dress and posing in front of the mirror. When she heard me laughing, her reply was, “Aunty Stacey, how do I look? Do I look like you?” As adorable as Kenzie looked in my dress, it wasn’t practical or realistic. She fell the moment she tried to walk and ended up in a tangled heap on the floor. It was a very cute moment for a child, but what happens when we do that as adults?


It’s impractical at best and foolish at its worst.


Later as I reflected on the experience, I realized that as ambitious women, the comparison is really misdirected competition. You want to compete, to win, and do your best and that’s great. The challenge is when you are using other people as your measuring stick. As your opponent, you don’t ever win. This puts you in a self-imposed cycle of deficit-thinking where you believe that somehow you’re not enough–not good enough, educated enough, or qualified enough to truly be successful. The result is a drain on your confidence because you’re spending all of your energy comparing your apples to someone else’s oranges.


Comparison has become such a part of our culture, how do you deal with it?


3 Steps To Stop Comparing And Start Winning with Confidence:


1. Embrace Your Authenticity

The more you value and respect your authenticity, your own unique gifts, and talents you will become more keenly aware that you don’t have a comparison. You have a path and a purpose that are never identical to anyone else. How someone else does certain things, what they accomplish is awesome but it doesn’t take anything away from the plans for your life.


2. Redirect Your Competitiveness

A competitive nature is an incredible benefit when it’s managed properly and put in the right perspective. Everyone loves to win and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing your best and anticipating victory. True winning however isn’t found in who you beat, it?s how you become better than you were yesterday. The best way to stop playing the comparison game is to understand that your only competition is the amazing woman in the mirror.


3. Make Peace With Your Imperfections

One of the major causes of comparison comes from a lack of peace with your own imperfections. Instead of improving and developing the things within your control, you end up obsessing over the things you can’t change. Being accepting of your flaws doesn’t make you a loser, it allows you to stay focused on your strengths. Release the illusion of perfection and comparison won’t even be important.


When you stop comparing yourself to others it fuels your creativity which leads to an abundance of peace, joy, and yes accomplishments. Because your time, your energy, and your intentions are all about you being the best version of yourself.


Are you in the comparison trap and social media just makes it more difficult? Are you bold enough to excuse yourself from playing that game? Please share your thoughts, questions, and ideas.


Abundant Blessings,




Stacey Speller is a life coach and speaker on a mission to give women the right tools, confidence, and roadmap to thriving in life, leadership, and love.

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